Just wow. I just dont think he is going to come around. lol.???? They drift slowly away from shore, the fog gets thicker as they drift farther away, and then they have no idea which way the shore is and how to get back. After all, Ive been known to drop a few myself at times. To be fair to him, he stuck it out with me for 3 hours and this time he didnt try to run away or to bail on any of the subjects raised. I can only tell you my personal experience. I hate that. Dont give in to her petty bullying. I hope we all get some peace, and of course, healing. So, I might not respond to the message. It's a new beginning for them and a significant milestone in life. Only, the voice was actually a song I had never heard before called In the Middle.. Withdraw a very sizable amount of cash from our joint checking on that next business day after DDay. If people dont know who they are they truly mirror whoever they are around. As you say, no hope for recovery. In his mind every one of his actions are justified by him. Oh boy. You said we think we are dealing with the same mind we dealt with before the affair, we are not. More than that Im despairing. Not to mention if she wants to immigrate to here eventually, shed already be on file and not in a good way. The emotional devastation is unbelievable. Anyway. I had some crappy boyfriends I will admit. The minute I do the detaching he comes pinging back. "I call it the runaway bride syndrome; that's where business owner, at the end of the day, isn't really ready to sell," he says. Its like giving a dog a treat every time he does a trick the expectation is that every time he does the trick he will be rewarded. Wow TFW, you are a beautiful wife! Age, career, business, lifestyle, family members deaths, family obligations etc and then there is the spouses baggage that comes up at different times too, all these factors can subtly erode a persons self esteem if youre not vigilant. Where is truth between the two of them??? The worst was the last day when he walked in and said I want a D. Out of the blue. Hope you are well and feel better soon. His hug and kiss goodbye today felt genuine and there was a pure energy behind it. I dint know what your relationship was/is with her. I was reluctant to push so I said fine, no problem. For whatever reason, I needed to hear that song at that very moment. On our trip to CO when I got DDay 2 my husband had read just enough to grasp the term sex addict. I actually didnt find this site or any other until about 2 years after DDay maybe more. He had her so upset the other day that she called me and said that my ex is evil and parinoid. But its the closest to my old H I have had in this whole time. I dont feel like OW is in the picture and as a strict rule I never mention OW anyway. TH, I hope you had a nice night despite the nerves. No,MLC is not a recognized medical syndrome but that doesnt mean it doesnt have a medical cause. We live on a golf course so my friends playing that day got an eyeful!! Or have an A to bury the pain or mask it rather than face it. The groom's parents lost about $50,000, which they had paid in advance for the wedding. I hope you are well Puzzled, (And ShiftingImps, TryingHard, TheFirstWife, SarahP too). You are def in my good thoughts daily. Poor sad sausage will have to get a jib! Next, you must take care of your physical self. He couldnt handle the pain he caused me.again pretty standard. Yes first time I hurried that stuff up and guess what. And everyone knows thats not true. It looks like Im going to have to mother this all the way. The timeline of this agony is what scares me. No hand holding or hand wringing what to do attitude for me. On another note I discovered H has a secret phone before I flew out. I admit I wanted to throw in the towel. My favorite book on this subject is IT TAKES ONE TO TANGO by Winifred Reilly. But the tune changes as soon as he has been in touch with OW and then he comes to see me again. Whichever way you decide, things will work out for you. Im done throwing it. I read the book. Im sure you are exactly right that the problem for me is that my being right (in any way shape or form) is not helping me. Somebody(!) It is meant for you and I am just the messenger. So in THs story there was a huge turnaround. As with TryingHard, every word you type is precious to me, and has given me so much, not least the wise counsel and hard won experience that you so both generously shared for my benefit and support. I cant believe how he is saying anything negative to me (about myself) at all you would think from his attitude towards me that I was the one that cheated and left. Its expected hed say that crap because as usual hes a cliche and taking all this stuff from the cheaters handbook. I think what may put you in a better position is that you had support from your friends at EAJ and we coukd give you the benefit of our experience. Huge hugs to you all and see you on the other side. Thanks again for your responses and wonderful support. Make them sorry they ever crossed you. Hed pull me in then push me away. Runaway bride syndrome (gamophobia, gametophobia) is a complex of negative personality traits that are not related to mental illness. That was when H told me I was so addictive *smh*. He spent three hours with you. I dont blame you. Actually to both him and her. 50-50! Ok you are doing great!! His choice. And I already do yoga. I can only agree he is lost. He was teary, petulant, annoyed at being asked to discuss things. And I had it briefly as a teenager too. Not coincidentally, as I write this, I have a headache. It was the hardest time in my life and it was a daily struggle to not lose it. That way I wont get triggered. It is so sad how seemingly smart people get involved with sick people who are out to destroy others around them. He wanted to reconsider search myself about everything but stressed that we were not together. Seriously? You have made me laugh in some of my darkest moments. I am always humbled by that. As in whether he was going to stay M or leave me. You do. [An aside: it makes me wonder if an A is anything but (a) revenge for passive aggressive types against their spouses and/or (b) a massive bid for attention. But we all understand the pain and agony of it all. They are banding together to sanitise this whole thing to make my H the victim and throwing me under the bus. PIL did nothing. The reasons can be very different. Kinda like the bank robber accusing the witness of being a tattle tale! She doesnt remember most of the crap she spewed out to me during her A. I also cant believe she actually knew he was having an affair. First off, I do not write words so that they may be just glossed over in a hurried fashion. Due to my employ, cell phone usage was frowned upon. Today is my last day before heading in for anxiety treatment (3 weeks approx) so I am hoping to log in one last time before then, but if not then that s where Im at. And it is a but: I declined as I felt it would show too much interest and also I dont, as Ive said before, intend to police him. My adult children know.but they love both of us and it wasnt up to them to fix what was going on. Pray for those who hurt you. Being needy does not work it drives the wayward spouse into the lovers arms. You have time and he is to scared to do it first. This is him fully facing the mirror of his own creation, his disaster and his condition and who he really is: a lying coward. So he is mad at himself b/c he is not in control BUT he is blaming you. But your Dad sounds like a class act.lean on himyou simply cant do this alone. It will not be an easy road. The bride's father took such an act as a shame for the family, drank the bitter one and soon died. Humiliation. Your brother meant well and is sticking up for you. I think you are wise to remove yourself from any contact that is not absolutely necessary. But I think his family has had a very profound impact on him and led him down the wrong path. He is sick and paralyzed with fear. I had PTSD for 2 years b/c I was afraid he was going to ruin me financially. Yes I did indeed boot/block one person and only one person- ever from this site a few years ago. Focus on you and your well-being. I will never again be the same trusting person I was before all of this. Rest up for your return and as I always tell you, You Got This!!! All you do is hold your head up proudly. LOL!!! I still face many personal challenges and I guess I will until the end of life. So, by now it should be sinking in that if he doesnt R with me then his real problems are about to start. I also know that I have an opportunity to grow from this and learn why I put myself in this situation to begin with. The cheater just seems to follow the same patterns of behavior. You cant. Outwardly, this is often not visible, but in her (him) soul suddenly something sank and began And that is not so, and it is not that way. I too wanted my ex to recognize her faults in this. Good friends through college and then dating as seniors in college. Yeah, Imma let them finish. After all this is whats feeding and housing you. I am not doing so well on that but getting away might improve things in that realm. Ive got a long road ahead still but I see my H improving by the month, by the week and even by the day in his relationship with me. Ive been NC with H except for one day a week for the business. You cant control everything but you can control you. Fast forward, after a number of years of this BS, I stood in the living room with two objects in my hand. A quick hello from the wilderness while I have wifi. Oh and I cant believe your H got angry about not being able to be with OW even while you were in the same house still!! So my sister in law comes over that night and is just sobbing how hes crying on her sofa how he has made the biggest mistake of his life, his life is over and he just wants to die. It isnt surprising that hes acting mean and resentful. Its heroic. Sometimes it turns out in life quite unfriendly. Try not to expend so much energy on the what ifs and focus more on what you can do to keep your well being intact. I feel bad. I have been diligently applying the 180 as per TFWs advice. Heck Im angry for you. Maybe hes looking for a break too and a little encouragement goes a long way. Not me. She showed no sign of caring if I left. And get some sleep! Its his actions that still haunt me. Use your advisers as a check. I hope you are going someplace with lots to see and keep you busy. Sadly, I know this all too well. For you. You are viewed as the mean mom. Supposedly he told her he wasnt. If before marriage the lovers behaved quite adequately, then when the question arose to formalize the relationship, one of them suddenly changed their opinion about the partner. Smh!! And yes to cutting toxic people out of my life. Im paranoid and do not trust any of my own judgments at this point. They all regularly say how they are still shocked. I have to say it didnt feel all that excellent. You are not in this alone. You have stood by him at the worst. I did think what he did was terribly rude and selfish, an so did our common friends, but they obviously thought that shit happens and you have to get over it, and put the burden to show that I had gotten over it by being friends with my ex and his new girlfriend! It will be so good for you. It seems like your marriage (much like most of us on here) was solid and happy and until the affair, there werent issues or problems. a fear of commitment by dealers/distributors." That is, fertilizer buyers may now be shying away from making the big crop-nutrient purchases they had earlier . No pun intended. Ive told him we need to meet today and do this (financial release) together. This is helping a lot. But slowly we can make it through. He violated me and insulted me in every way he could (sleeping with her in my own bed where me and my newborn son were sleeping), bringing her into our bubble during Covid lockdown, exploiting and twisting my inner most personal qualities and attributes to make him be seen as the victim and me as the enemy and above all else, he called the cops on me and got me in trouble with the law. Men like mysterious. Feeling a lot calmer. As to would it happen again? FIL did not even ask how I was coping. So his mid life crisis A and everything else just added to the mix to make a great H go off the deep end. Help me. and/ or (b) she is trying to look supportive to me to try and get info from me. Crickets. But an A sure seems like a solution. I know it sounds crazy and maybe it is but I did it. ), sell assets and well, pay him out. LOL thinking back it might have been a litttle of the "Runaway Bride "Syndrome, though. Satori Here is one example of crazy town. I can only say that youre handling things well. Lawyer or no lawyer, too many cheaters come crawling back or swear up and down they want the M while the A stops and then resumes OR the A never stops at all. But when I found out he had ended it hours earlier. And I truly believe most marriages are susceptible to infidelity of some sort. Until a week or so later when he wasnt sure. Its all love bombing and endorphin chasing with the cherry on top of a whatsapp ping! Thats when I came home like a freaking house on fire and thru down the gauntlet. Its his fault. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC. They revert to toddler behavior IMO. Meanwhile my Plan B is formulating. I really believe she was sussing out the financial/legal stuff. Theres a great article in Psychology Today about the allure of secret forbidden relationships. Thanks ShiftingImps, hope you are feeling a bit better? He wanted to know if I knew that I would be paying more for my insurance. All she knew was her daughter wasnt happy and the marriage hadnt been good for years: typical rationalization and fog mentality. Even in a case where someone like my H claims he wants the OW so that he can have someone to treat with disrespect, their pride in their relationship with us is based on treating us with respect. But dang it takes work and both people have to be willing. Do something you enjoy but I know from experience theres not much to enjoy!!! But I will say I agree with TFW. I cant imagine why you would try and break up a marriage. How very true!! We endorse GoldenCHild beating Satori by any means necessary in this game as that should teach Satori not to think she is worthy of our GoldenCHild nor should she ever regard herself as equal to a man. If he ever takes ownership of what he has done to himself and you and your business and your M he would realize he needs help. On the morning of the wedding day, Rebecca called David and told him that she wanted to cancel the wedding. After one encounter he actually put his hand out to shake my hand as we were parting!!! I never complained when he was away. If there was a chance to shift the tide then I maybe maybe just did, all due to finding my way here. Protect yourself. When he arrived his manner was cold and distant. Sometimes you just have to cut the toxic people out of your life. Or they rationalise it by saying oh there must have been problems in the marriage (*eye roll*) but to them its like any old breakup so I should still just get on with my life etc. That lack of response might be due to one or more of the following circumstances: Verizon screwed up and never got the message to me. I was eerily calm and asked 3 questions. We each have to find what works for us and if this site is to offensive than one needs to find another site that works for them. But some things are just not our job to fix. So you need to make sure you get custody and child support ftom him. We have more power in those early few months than we realize. Like a friend of mine once told me how he regards being in a long term committed and faithful marriage. Any sort of character or integrity has disintegrated by the blinding infatuation of their affair. There will still be hard nights and tears and pain. I have a form of Tourettes now where I literally go fucking cheaters!! Its ok to mess up. I have seen the show Hoarders. Im very comfortable with all my choices. I guess I pay attention to the message and not the semantics of the message. Red herring logic and deflection. But you know heres a possible example too: We hired an employee who was working quite closely with my H. This employee was the sweetest loveliest guy and he was single. A PHONE BOOK. It hurts I know but it could be a huge blessing in disguise. 2015 was a wreck. Cant stop crying. Youre a good man. I dated a number of guys who were cheaters. I see it in drivers w/ road rage, parents at school meetings thinking the school is all about their kid and the times should be changed to solely benefit them, work place issues as well. Thank goodness for your calm wisdom. LOL. You must keep him safe until he becomes of age. At this stage it is hard to put any stick in anything they say or do b/c it makes no sense. Too old to play by someone elses delicate sensibilities. There is no hope of repair, no hope of knowing the real reasons, and no closure. Look you e reached out. They were and still are tremendously supportive of both of us. As TFW says, I very much understand it has to be his idea for R. Its why I knocked back the half-hearted offer for MC the other day and he changed his mind less than 24 hours later anyway so Im glad I did not take him seriously. I hope my head will be clearer and less chaotic in the morning. I am NOT feelin it. Hi Puzzled, I think its quite nervy that you have. But he ended it that day.there was no ifs, buts or maybes. Move on! Everything you say he has said to me!! Proof the OW are not positive influences. Think I got my posts mixed in my reply below. I posted my reply to you below x. NC is the only way to flush this situation out. a person whose actions RARELY match their words. Dog is still confused. Rollercoaster ride is the perfect example of life during this time. Business is a company. I like the Robert Frost line Im still here trying to do the right thing. I know you two were together last night where is she. Your spouse is the problem and your spouse chose his or her behavior. Very smart, to play dumb. I never spoke to my MIL again about my wifes affair, which began my silent suffering. Second is to read some articles Regarding exit Affairs. to try to understand what is going on with my husband. What a massive mistake. The NC thing is tough as my imagination runs riot at the best of times and somehow NC triggers me and reinforces all my feelings of rejection / abandonment. E.G. In actuality they just took on s whole heap of new trouble. It can help you to start setting some boundaries. Even the language he uses is not what he would use and H sounds like he is being scripted. And periods where he was someone I didnt know sadly and wanted a D. But in the end he ended the A on his own and begged for a chance. this is a long arduous journey and we are here to support you. Likewise dominating and controlling usually said by weaker individuals and often rather misogynistic ones. Maybe just reach out as if nothing is going on and have a short conversation. Neither is easy, but sometimes in the end we are better if we have put the necessary effort to learn and grow. I too runaway bride syndrome my ex is evil and parinoid of course, healing break... A litttle of the message really believe she was sussing out the financial/legal.! Same trusting person I was reluctant to push so I said fine, no hope of repair no. All regularly say how they are still shocked was actually a song had! Early few months than we realize believe most marriages are susceptible to infidelity of some sort trouble. Now it should be sinking in that if he doesnt R with me then real... 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